It seems that most of us go through life looking for the elusive ‘it’. The thing that makes us who we are. The thing that makes us tick. We tell ourselves that if we can just find that one thing that sets us apart we'll find the missing connection. We'll get our 'Aha!' moment, the lightbulb will go on and suddenly the world as we know it will make sense. I can't help wondering whether this is a giant recipe for disaster. Can any of us live up to the ideal self? Is there such a thing or is finding yourself a karmic accident? Are those who find it ready or just lucky? For me I always thought the answer was writing. I have spent my life writing poetry and journaling and though I work at other things I have harbored the desire to write for a living painfully close to my heart so close that it has become harder and harder for me to act on it for fear of losing the elusive connection. I don't get anything from writing monetarily. I don't have a fan base, no followers on my blog or book deals. I've thought about quitting a million times. But I can't because worse than giving up writing would be giving up the dream of writing.
I read once that the three ingredients to happiness were someone to love, something to do and something to look forward to. It is because of the latter that I became a fan of the perpetual dream. Having a dream that doesn’t come to fruition can be just as beneficial to our psyches as the one that does. It keeps us looking forward. We continue to be engaged and striving instead of jaded and complacent. It reminds me of the movie “That Thing You Do” about the band who made it big only to come undone. It was the dreaming not the reality that sustained them.
I look at my writing like this. I am a writer because I write. If there comes a day when I am published then I will be a published writer but I no longer want to place the value of my self worth as a writer on a single adjective. The way I see it, it could be a “be careful what you wish for you just might get it” scenario. Perhaps if I were to publish I would encounter a new set of problems, deadlines, criticisms, poor sales. Who’s to say? In the meantime I will continue to write as the need arises or the inspiration or even the desperation. And I’ll keep dreaming, who knows, maybe one day I’ll even add that adjective.